A long one

The last few weeks have been the most stressful of my entire life. Some of you have already heard this from me or from Happy, and I thank you all for your prayers and encouraging words. I have felt the Lord’s working through the prayers offered up on my behalf and am humbled by the number of people who have been so faithful, so loving and SO patient with me as I struggled through.

Having said that, I also learned over the last few weeks how sinful and wicked my heart is. Bear with me on this one as I attempt to share what has been going on. I think a lot has been building up in me since I came to college. It’s been a long road, but the Lord has been faithful through it all. I guess that’s the theme I’ve noticed lately. Over the last three years college has been hard. It’s hard for everyone I’m sure, and poses different challenges for those who have experienced it. For me, the main challenge has been balancing my time. With a part-time job, classes, homework, church, Bible studies, small groups and getting to know the girls on my wing, time is a precious thing. I’m sure many of you can relate, whether you are in college or not.

Ok, so what? Yes, time is important, Amy, where are you going with this? Well, here’s the thing: I’d been trying to do most of it in my own strength. I didn’t ask anyone for help (often times not even the Lord) but sought to do all things with my strength, my knowledge, and my abilities. Although I did sporadically pray for the Lord’s help, my heart wasn’t in it so, in practice, I tried to do it myself. But it didn’t end there. My focus turned to pleasing people.

I have Colossians 3:23 written on a little post-it note stuck on my computer at work: “Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than for men.” Unfortunately, that is the exact opposite of what I’d been doing. I was trying to be everything for everyone except the Lord. I wanted to get good grades for my parents, I wanted to disciple the girls on my wing for Happy and Dr. Smith, I wanted to have everything “under control” at work for my boss, I wanted to be cheerful and smiley all the time for anyone who saw me. (Mom, Dad, Happy, Dr. Smith, and anyone else in my life… don’t take any of that personally… You have all challenged me to get outside my comfort zone and work hard at what I’m doing, which I appreciate very much. The problem wasn’t any of the words you were saying, but my sinful heart wanting to do it for you instead of the Lord). Basically, I wanted to become the Proverbs 31 woman overnight so that people would think well of me, not for the glory of my Lord.

Guess what happened? You got it! I crashed HARD. Happy and Dr. Smith got the brunt of that, and their patience and love was the starkest contrast to what was going on inside of me. I have been selfish, hard-hearted, anxious and unkind. I think I’ve cried more in the last two weeks than I have in my entire life, but at the end they were tears of repentance—praise the Lord! I’m reminded of Jesus’ words in the gospel of John: “My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me; and I give eternal life to them, and they will never perish; and no one will snatch them out of My hand. My Father, who has given them to Me, is greater than all; and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father’s hand” (10:27-29). I am His and that will not change. Because of that I know that He is making me more like Christ through the trials He allows in my life.

At the end of it all, the Lord still provided His grace abundantly! In the midst of my terrible, sinful attitude and trying to take His glory for myself, He helped me to get it all done. I think I may have even passed the Senior Competency exam I took yesterday, which is AMAZING. Still, if I didn’t, I know that the Lord has more to teach me through studying for the exam next semester. Right now I’m remembering and re-learning that there is nothing I did or will do that can earn the Lord’s grace or favor. Yes, I still want to be responsible and work hard at whatever He gives me, but God’s grace is so much greater than I give (or had been giving) Him credit for! I’m sure I will continue learning from this experience, particularly by the Holy Spirit working through the wise words of Dr. Smith and others who lovingly speak the Truth to me. What a wonderful Lord we serve!

Wow, this is certainly one of my longer posts. Well, I think I’ll end with a quote that I wrote in the back of my bible from a sermon I once heard. I didn’t write who said it so if any of you know, feel free to leave a comment. “You will never really know that God is all you need until God is all you have.”